Description
For all of you online daters out there, you know there are certain… ummm… limitations to the process.
First would be the “truth factor” — is that “current” picture from this year or just this decade? Is this hot girl really some fat hairy guy (no offense to the non-scamming fat hairy guys) posing as a super babe in order to pull my chivalrous self into some sort of masterminded scam by convincing me that I get to go out with her in exchange for some “favors” I do for her in the interim? Is he/she really single or just trying to get some side action? You know… things that are usually easy to figure out within social circles or “real” life but not always obvious on-line.
Then we have the “Three R factor” — reading, riting and rithmatic. Is the scary spelling and you suspect it might not be English grammar indicative of a severe learning disorder, English as a second language, sheer laziness or an indication that the education level indicated is patently false? Even if you don’t care, trying to decipher some of the “text speak” that comes through in emails and profiles can be daunting. “Wht r u dng 2nite? Hk up l8r? i lv tues 4 nj 4 wk n hf.”
There are all sorts of pitfalls and snafus encountered in the on-line dating process without the actual site contributing to the process. I was thinking about this as I was deleting some “matches” due to incompatibility the other day and would like to respectfully submit some alternative phrasings to Eharmony’s “closing” section.
Disclaimer: The following content contains humor in the form of sarcasm, un-PC verbiage and irony which some may find unsuitable for daily consumption. Read at your own risk and remember that views expressed below are not necessarily supported by the author when she isn’t being snarky for public consumption. Also, your laptop might be hot. Please be careful when commenting your suggestions.
“I have decided to close communication because…”
(choose as many as apply)
I think our family backgrounds are too different. (Girl Speak: You seem to be strange and I can’t quite put my finger on anything other than you just aren’t “good people.” Guy Speak: Not Hot. Next.)
I have too much happening in my life at the moment. (Girl Speak: I’m bored already. Guy Speak: Not Hot. Next.)
I don’t feel that the chemistry is there. (Girl and Guy Speak: You ugly.)
I don’t think our Must Haves and Can’t Stands fit. (Girl: You hit 3 of my 10 deal-breakers and I’ve lost interest. Guy Speak: Not Hot. Next.)
I think the physical distance between us is too great. (Girl and Guy: I may be “open” to matches across the country, but only if they are perfect in every way. Oh! AND live in a cool city.)
I want to pursue other matches at Eharmony. (Girl Speak: My eyes glazed over and I fell asleep while reading your profile. I consequently bruised my chin because my head fell onto my keyboard. Guy Speak: Not Hot. Next.)
I am pursuing another relationship. (I wouldn’t be if you were a catch.)
I’m just not ready for the next step. (Girl Speak: I’ve lost interest because of something you said or that new picture you posted. Guy Speak: Not Hot. Next.)
I am taking a break from dating. (and that’s why I’m still looking at my online dating accounts)
I would rather not say. (You. Scare. Me. OR I really don’t want to hurt your feelings and I will if I say why I’m closing this match.)
This match never responded to my request to communicate. (And that sucks because I thought you were interesting and/or hot so un-close this match if you ever get back onto Eharmony and lets talk!)
I think the difference in age between us is too great. (Girl Speak: You look older/younger than you claim to be. (p.s. the liver spots on your face are a dead give away that you are not, in fact, 39) Guy Speak: Not Hot. Next.)
I think the difference in our values is too great. (Girl Speak: I have no idea why Eharmony matched us and am questioning their procedures at this point. Guy Speak: Not Hot. Next.)
Based on statements in their profile, I’m not interested in this match. (Girl: You know where you said ? Yes, that’s offensive. Guy Speak: Not Hot. Next.)
Because there are no photos posted/I couldn’t see any photos. (The most honest/non-PC excuse on here)
Because I was put on Hold. (I don’t play second string.)
Because we are communicating outside of Eharmony (Crap! That’s going to be an awkward conversation with my boss tomorrow morning.)
Other (I saw your pic, skimmed your profile and am not interested. No offense.)
EXCUSES NOT OFFERED BY EH… YET:
The information on your profile is: (a) too little (b) too much (c) boring (d) fake
I forwarded your profile to my friend and she said that in person you look NOTHING like your picture. AND you have B.O.
The fact that you have dead creatures in every profile picture leads me to believe you live in a deer stand. I prefer plumbing and wifi access to cooking up your carcases.
2 children is do-able. 9 is not.
The hot bimbettes hanging on you in every profile picture lead me to believe you wouldn’t know a real boob if it hit you in the face.
The fact that your picture is literally the size of my thumbnail and grainy to boot, leads me to believe that it may be from the pre-digital camera age and not exactly representative of your current look.
